So here we are, from now on it is all change; firstly I have to adjust to not being controlled by my diary for a couple of weeks, then I have to adjust to working in a new job (remember it over 13 years since I was new to a job) and finally we (the hubby and I) have to adjust to working together!

I had such a wonderful farewell from the Forge, thank you everyone for whatever you contributed to that departure.  Why did I go?  Well, it was the right time is the simple answer!  This was confirmed to me by a wonderful lady who takes prayer really seriously and when, asked to pray for my thought process re leaving, told me God had already been there and given her a special message just for me, in fact the message had come to her 10 months earlier!  The message said many things but 2 things I want to share, the first is ‘It is time to step aside’ well you can’t get much clearer than that!  Then ‘There is a new mantle of authority, a new challenge for you.’ So, with that ringing endorsement in my ears I applied, was interviewed then offered the job, which I in turn accepted and now am poised to take on this new mantle, this new challenge.

What blows my mind now as I type this, is exactly what happened when I read her message 6 months ago – Wow, I believe in a God who is real, alive and most amazing of all is interested in me!  What is even more astounding in an age conscious world is that there is still a challenge he has prepared for me to take on, in other words, I am not dead yet and have so much still to offer, and for me Hope Trust www.hopetrust.org.uk (based in Felixstowe) and March 2012 are both the right time and the right place.

So, this is it, my final blog on the Forge website.  Can I say a big thank you to everyone who has received it over these many months.  Without doubt the blogs that created many funny conversations were ’5 things I wish my mum had told me before I married’ and ‘what not to wear when riding a bike.’  And yet, the ones when I admitted pain, concern or was brutally honest about some aspect of life also allowed me the chance to chat with many people who felt the same.  We plan to return, so if you hear a noisy scottish voice in your left ear you will know time has flown by and we’re back!

Right, that’s it, I’m tired of being down, bothered, consumed by the problems that surround me, for this girl it’s time to fight back!  Funny how reading my last blog a few days after I wrote it made me think ‘Boy I sound really miserable!’ and so from then on I have been consciously looking for things that will brighten my day, not darken it.  One thing you have to understand before we go too much further – the challenges remain – nothing has changed apart from my determination to be bright instead of miserable.  It is that decision to consciously change my mindset, day by day, which I am finding makes it easier to cope with the realities I face no matter how gritty they remain.  Mind you, good food, lots of sleep and walks in the fresh air have also helped as has deliberately looking for things to make me smile; asking people how they are and not rattling on about how bad things are for me, that sort of thing.

So what was the last thing that made you smile?  For me it has been a couple of things – telly is one and hubby is the other!  I am vetoing dreary programmes and instead want to see things where the set wobbles, where the story line is so very bad you just have to smile, channels like Men & Movies are great for that!  And where you get wobbly sets and dire storylines (The second Jurassic Park film is a good example) you can’t help but smile.

Hubby is also a source of real amusement to me both intentionally and unintentionally!  When he responds to my simple request of ‘Can you put the kettle on’ by resting the kettle on his head when you turn round, you have to smile!

So, hope this blog has been a cheerier read than the last one, but let me end by asking you a question – where might you need to change your attitude?  Something to ponder as I wonder how to find and save an image of a smiley face…………..

No, not the TV programme, which has a new presenter in case you haven’t been keeping track, its Nick Hewer from the apprentice, you know, the old guy, Alan Sugar’s sidekick?  Anyway, let’s get back on track from that slight deviation.  Countdown, but to what?  It could be the last day I work for the Forge, or until my birthday or until the next season of goodwill, you can take your pick but think it is going to have to be until the next festive season.  You see, when asked ‘Did you have a lovely Christmas?’ most people say ‘Yes thank you.’  Today I want to say, ‘I’ve had better.’  Of course there were some good bits, but it is funny how the tough, gritty bits which occupy such a small space in the overall expanse of time over the holiday season can taint it all.  It’s also strange how socially unacceptable it seems to be to say ‘No, I’ve had better’ and yet if you dare to admit it wasn’t all carols sung around the piano with a log fire warming the room, then people seem to take that as permission to share their own struggles with the season.

So, as I enter 2012 with so much commanding my attention, the top challenge I face is this: ‘How do you do what is right, when your instinct is to turn away?’  As a woman of faith this is very hard as my faith shouts at me to show love, compassion and care, how many sermons have I sat through and agreed with the teaching which says that and yet……….. and yet, how do you love and honour, (in my case) a parent who hasn’t ever shown love or affection for me, the unwanted 3rd child that brought strain to an already stretched marriage?  Well, the truth is I don’t know, but that is the challenge I face as I start 2012, it was the challenge I faced at the start of 2011 as well, only I just didn’t recognise it, this year I do.  So, as you read this you will hear more about this in the few weeks remaining to me as a Forge blogger, after that, you’ll have to ask me instead!

The man and I went to Scotland this weekend.  We missed all that the Forge worked so hard to create at its special Christmas services and instead braved the weather to defrost my little car at 5am on Saturday morning – all the locks were frozen up as it had rained the evening before – so picture me breaking in via the boot to kick the door open from the inside!  I also accidentally sat on the horn, our neighbours are a forgiving lot, thankfully!  We then had a couple of Easyjet flights (which were both on time, early in fact!) and a trip to the land of my birth.  The snow had fallen and frozen and frozen and then, for good measure, had frozen again and so everywhere was slippery and lethal.  There was much giggling as we struggled, and failed, to even get up the pathway on our way out from the flat – it took one behind me and one ahead of me, all with better footwear than me, to drag me up the slopes!

It was a wonderful chance to catch up with her girl and her man, to laugh over coffee and cook a Sunday roast, then to sing carols by candlelight at a chapel near to where they live.  Such are the makings of good memories.  And yet, things were different.  Some months ago I blogged about the view from their flat window, from where you could see flats rising up into the sky?   I wrote that when the girl looked out she was reminded of real people who lived in those flats, people whose lives were a constant battle as they struggled to manage in the benefit system and yet what I saw wasn’t people’s struggles but the soaring hills in the far distance.  Snow capped the hills were I believe (we always visit when it is cold and the girl is forced to put the heating on!) and they made my heart glad when I saw them.

But things change don’t they?  This time when we looked out of that same window, this is what we saw – a building site!  The view obscured by bricks and scaffolding poles.  And yet, I know the view is still there, true it is obscured, but its not lost.  Made me think, what other views are obscured from view and I have started to think they’ve gone, vanished forever when in fact I just need to find another vantage point?  As this holiday season is upon us, I wish you a very Happy Christmas and trust that you, like me, will find new vantage points to see what there is to be seen in what remains of 2011 and on into 2012.

If you look at me today, I am sitting at my desk, typing merrily away.  I am chatting with colleagues, answering the phone, shouting questions through to the person in the next office, sending and receiving emails.  All that can be seen today is what is on the surface, what I am allowing to be seen.  This wasn’t the case on Tuesday.  On Tuesday what was on the surface was by no means serene, in fact it felt more like a You Tube video of a soon to erupt volcano!  All that, for me, usually remains below the surface – emotion, tears, dreams, concerns, fears – these were visible for all to see.  A reflection of my struggles in life at this time with a mum ill in hospital, leaving a job I love, the usual rush of Christmas and the need for a break.

It did get me thinking though, I realise that there is so much in everyone’s life that lives just below the surface.  Not often seen, or exposed but there none the less.  Problem is, until it is seen, how can anyone know the pressures people are living and working through?  Some of what lives below the surface we know about, but some of it we don’t. How many people are putting off a health check that might reveal the need for further tests or medication?  Or not checking their bank/credit card statement until after Christmas?  Or refusing to contact a parent/relative, thinking about the row/problem that drove them apart in the first place?

As people we are ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ which means we are complex and amazing, so my question for today is this: ‘What is going on under the surface for you today?’  If things are good, then I rejoice with you because sometimes life is good and we should celebrate those times.  If they are not, can you name it, and if you can’t, do you need help?  Because I know a place which wants to help: The Forge Community Church.

Hi again, not sure if there has ever been such a gap in my blog postings but life has simply overwhelmed me.  Do you ever get times like that?  Times when it seems every spare minute is either occupied or you are simply too exhausted to do what is piling up on that ever growing list?  I know, Christmas is fast approaching and it is a traditionally a busy time of year for everyone, or is it?

You know, the truth is, it won’t be for everyone.  There are lots of people out there who are alone – either by choice, or through poor choices made in the past which excludes them now from family & friends.  Some are homeless, sofa surfing hoping that on the coldest nights there is one available to them, some have abused their bodies with drink, drugs and other behaviours and so are shunned by those who once knew them.  Truth is, the picture of ‘chestnuts roasting on an open fire’ for some will be simply the lyrics of a song and not their reality this Christmas.

It is wonderful to be part of a church that is seeking to help people who, for whatever reason, might be facing a bleak Christmas this year.  Without judgement or comment we are hoping to feed many through our Hamper and Foodparcel schemes, we are planning a wonderful reminder of the Christmas story over the weekend 17th/18th December and on Christmas day people on their own can join with the church to sing a carol or two, laugh as kids share what presents they’ve received and for 45 minutes or so banish all thoughts of being alone.  Trouble is, it takes courage and energy to step out and do something positive; it might feel easier to do nothing but believe me the benefit of doing something is worth it.  So, will you stay alone or will you join with us to share in the wonderful Christmas story, the choice is yours, hope to see you there?

It’s funny how life changes, almost on a sixpence and that comment dates me!  My last blog was written 24 hours before the next crisis in my life erupted.  There was no warning of it, no hint of the desperate hours that were to follow, no preparations made and yet that is exactly how life happens, isn’t it?  Almost all at once things can change, how true is that for people who suffer earthquakes, or the effect of a Tsunami, a raid by rebel forces on a village, a bomb dropped, news of a cancer diagnosis, a heart attack.  For me it was none of those, for me and my family it is the next chapter in the story of elderly parents.  Not death but not really living either.  A mid point where the body functions but there is so little quality of life enjoyed that you have to wonder why, why is it like this?

I have no answer to that, I just have to play my part as a daughter, sister, wife and mum.  I have to be prepared to ask questions, find out what is really happening, ask questions, state my case, ask questions, stand my ground – without anger or rudeness otherwise I cease to be heard.

I also have to ask for help, which is why I rang a good friend and asked her to pray for me as I found the expectations placed upon me tough to handle.  So now I am on a more even keel, true, life is in a different groove and will change again next week when discharge happens and comprehensive care plans are implemented but I will no doubt find myself asking more questions, staying calm and calling for help when I need it.

You walk down a street, you see tall people, short people, thin people and not so thin ones.  You see faces that you think are beautiful and others that look really lived in, you see people running along and others moving more slowly, gingerly almost as if each step costs them dearly.  These things and others are what you may notice as you go about your business but what you can never know is the story behind each face, each individual that you walk past; okay we’re British and so its normal not to make eye contact with anyone other than people we know, but how sad.  By not really seeing people or talking with them we lose out on the story of their lives.

For some people the stories are ones of acts of real heroism, whether in a war situation, an accident on a piece of road they are traveling on or potential tragedy in a swimming pool.  Each and every day people do heroic things, take heroic actions that can literally save lives.  Equally every day people do evil things; they can murder, abuse, injure, cheat and lie, these actions too are masked from us as we walk down the street trying not to notice people.

And yet when I read the blogs of our team who visited Denver recently I was reminded once again about Denver’s streetkids, even in my own short visit there 3 years ago I started to ‘notice’ them in a way that I had never before.  Suppose what I am trying to say is that there isn’t much that separates us from acts of heroism and acts of evil, from living a comfortable life with home, food, clothes, family and walking the streets not particularly being noticed by anyone and yet, ah and yet, if we walk our streets and and least think about these things, we may find ways to notice the heroes, the difference makers that walk among us, dressed up as ordinary people.

It’s Saturday November 5th and in our house our thoughts are not full of fireworks or our ears filled with the sounds of mini explosions as rockets are set off in the gardens around us, oh no, in our house we (or should I say he) has found Smooth Xmas on digital radio.  Yes folks, Christmas is upon us and when you live with a confirmed Christmas lover you learn that such a radio station is ‘live’ for 24 hours a day until December 27th!  Mind you, as it inspired him when he started to clean the house to carry on – listening and working – then the benefit to me was a job (which I hate) done by the time I came home on a dank Friday evening.  Not sure how I will cope with for the next 49 days mind you, we don’t clean the house that often, and there is only so many times you can hear ‘It is going to be a long and lonely Christmas without you’ before you lose it and throw something heavy at the radio.

But then again, I am going to be busy trying to distract him from getting the decorations down out of the loft and set up – you will know where we live on 1st December (assuming I can hang it out that long) as we will be the brightly lit house in the street using quite a lot of the National Grid, especially at night!

Uh oh, another song ‘Sleigh bells ring, are you listening – walking in a winter wonderland’ time to log off and visit the bottom of the garden…………aaarrggghhhh

I was washing up the other day; the light was still trying to make in roads on the last bit of what had been darkest night but was now nearly morning; out of my window I saw a dove fly past and perch on the very topmost part of the holly tree that lives in the neighbour’s garden.  What was funny and quite wonderful was the way the dove had to take some seconds to find its balance on this very new piece of holly growth, you see it was quite spindly and wasn’t old enough to be a hardened branch.  So far so good.  Then a second dove appeared, it obviously thought about joining the first one at the top of the holly tree but decided to play safe and sit on a stronger branch which wasn’t so spindly, or as near the top.  It sat there for a while and then decided (if indeed dove’s think like this!) about joining its friend and so it started the perilous flight and then balancing act that its friend had gone through some minutes earlier.

I stood there, stopped washing up and just marveled at this simple visual story unfolding right in front of me – for me the narrative of the story was this – ‘Sheila, are you sitting nearly at the top of a tree but not quite brave enough to go further or higher because you’re scared the branch might be too weak to hold you, even though others have shown it to be strong enough?’  Wow, what am I missing, what might you be missing because we sit where it is safe and don’t take a risk?  Food for thought this week……….